A Look back at 2020

2020 has now ended, wow it has been an interesting year isn’t it? Lot’s has happened this year, I feel like 2020 is just a hell of a year, no one expected it but we all tried and lived with it. Living with COVID19 has been extra challenging for everyone – the world came to a halt, shops has been closed for a number of weeks, no flights to anywhere, job loss, deaths and a lot more. Even though 2020 has ended, the remnants of it still lingers to the new year, UK is now again on its 3rd national lockdown because of the new variant. Having said that,- there is at least good news, vaccine is now available! YAY! As much as I despise needles, I am now mentally prepared to take this! When? I do not know but I will take it once I have a go signal from my GP. So, how’s everyone’s 2020? I know it’s probably not the greatest but I am sure there are good things that came out of it. I’ll share how my 2020 has been, bear with me.

Entering 2020 was quite good, my grandma was here to spend the holidays with us (this is after years that we didn’t spend Christmas and New year as a family) I was so happy that we finally spent Christmas and new year with her. So, come in March, COVID was lurking, it was a worrying time because my mom took my grandma back home to the Philippines and back home they are starting to implement things. I genuinely thought she’s not gonna be able to come back but she did thank goodness. Towards the end of March, the first national lock down commenced. So, I work in an office, other establishments were ordered that if they’re able to they have to work from home and the others, the people who are classed as “key workers” will continue as usual. My job was classed as “key worker” (though I have a different opinion to that) but anyway yeah, we carried on working in the office, people who were immunocompromised, over 65 and have underlying conditions were sent home – workforce has been cut in half – so work demands was up the roof and for the coming months it became quite unbearable. 

When COVID is at its peak at around April, this was also the time that my husband acquired COVID19. It was an agonizing 2 weeks. I think the only positive thing I can think of in this situation was his symptoms are mild so no hospital admission required. Though regardless if his symptoms were mild, it was just a strange 2 weeks because one time he will look okay but another time he will be just warm and ill. I was just by his side, comforting him and taking care of him. The first week was the make it or break it and the second week, he still hasn’t recovered, then his sense of taste just went (bless him he can’t even enjoy his food). So, after two weeks he was back to work, He was okay, though not feeling a 100%. He said that he can tell the difference pre and after COVID, his lungs felt different now. This stupid COVID if I can punch the life out of it for hurting my husband I would’ve done it so. 

Months has passed by and I have been told that my mom is having a mental health issue. That was heart-breaking for me (I’m starting to tear up while writing this). You see, I look up to my mom. She’s such a strong woman, she has gone through a lot of hardships in life and to see her in that vulnerable state I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do, there’s really nothing much I can offer apart from the support and love. A lot was going on at that time, my mom was off work to recover and she has been off for quite a good while. My mum is also the breadwinner of the family so she supports my grandma financially back home. I felt very frustrated and quite pressured (though no one is really pressuring me) but at that time because I wanted to help but I can’t help, I am unable to take over those financial responsibilities. My grandma once said to me to finance her while my mum is off and I had to turn her down because I too do not have much. I felt useless. 

Moving forward, on to a positive note. July came, my husband and I celebrated our anniversary, we went for a bike ride from I think Ainsdale beach or Formby beach to Southport and that was fun. We also went and hiked in Ingleton, let me tell you, the journey there was zigzag and me who’s car sick puked once we arrived – not very nice – but that was a nice hike though, beautiful views, seen pretty sheep’s and waterfalls. It rained in the afternoon hike we were still finishing the trail but we had fun. 

Our hiking adventure did not stop there! That first week of July we just went hiking one place to another, we went to Forest of Bowland for another hike. That was fun too, the only thing I didn’t like was it was raining and it’s cold and I was soaking wet. I didn’t know my bag was not waterproof so all my spare clothes were wet too so when the hike was finished I was just uncomfortable and I just removed my wet clothes and just sat in the car without my lower clothes (I have put a blanket though! Thank goodness I have left a blanket inside the car) it was definitely a fun experience. We have been through other hikes throughout summer (I’d post some of them in her sometime this week) who would’ve thought that I’d enjoy something so hard yet satisfying.

September!!! My birthday month! We went to Scotland to celebrate my birthday. We stayed in this nice air B&B, seriously though the accommodation was really pleasant it’s like a place tucked away in the middle of nowhere. All our adventures in Scotland will be on another blog post so stay tune. Whilst in Scotland, we went to Isle of sky, Fort Williams, climbed the Storr and went to the location where they filmed Harry Potter. That too was a nice experience and again the journey to the Harry Potter location was not the nicest, I have puked all the way there! Seriously what is wrong with me! It was a fun birthday week, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole journey there. The only thing that we didn’t see that time was the Aurora Borealis, according to the landlady we can see the northern lights from where we were, we were so excited that we might get a chance to see one however, we were unable to see it. I think we did not get the timing right. Oh well, there’s always next time, right?

Moving forward towards the end of November I had a mental breakdown. I do not know, so unlike me. That day, I was not feeling very good, I was just overly sad. I didn’t finish work that day, I have texted my husband to pick me up earlier. I didn’t tell him anything cos it might just be one of those days that I am not myself or something like that. but by the time we arrived home, I just clung to him like mad, he did not understand, he thought I was just being clingy but then I just started to sob uncontrollably. My husband kept on asking what was wrong and I couldn’t give him a definite answer. I was just crying and I think it dawned on him that I wasn’t my usual self; bless him he tried to comfort me but I was just in tears the whole night and the following day and then the following day. I think it was a Thursday that I spoke to representative at work regarding my situation, after that I spoke to my line manager as she can tell that I was visibly upset. So, a lot of talks had happened, I have also contacted my GP and advised me to be off work for 2 weeks and referred me to have counselling (I’ll have my first appointment on the 12th).

To be honest, up to this day I feel the same and I am not used to dealing with this kind of emotions – I just don’t know what to do with it, my head is just so cloudy so full of negativity and the things I used to enjoy doing is even hard to enjoy even being positive proves to be more difficult now than before. Not trying to be dramatic but I think the only joy I find right now or the only thing that keeps me up where I should be is my husband, my mom and my neighbours’ cat. I am just normally a jolly lady, stress was not much of a thing and I expected that after a good cry I’d be alright. I do not like this feeling and it’s exhausting to battle it on a daily basis; I hate the fact that even after I had a good conversation with my friends or my husband, had a good laugh like but after that I just feel empty again, just sad and miserable. I am just hoping that when I’ll have my therapy, I’ll at least go back to the normal me or at least help me get through this because really it something that I cannot do alone. 

Then Christmas came. I thought we won’t have Christmas because prior to the holiday we had restrictions around the UK but we did still celebrate Christmas with my mum and her partner. On Christmas eve, me and my husband had our “Noche Buena”. It’s a Christmas eve tradition where we eat while we wait for Christmas. We basically stay awake till 12:00 midnight. On Christmas day, we our hosting the Christmas day meal – let me tell you even though I didn’t do much, it was still exhausting. Though we have both enjoyed it, we have opened presents and the gifts that me and my husband received from my mom was up the notch, some was expected and some was unexpected. We had fun though, a little bit of that happiness was nice. So, we have reached the end of how my 2020 went, the emotions that I felt whilst writing this was like a rollercoaster ride, it’s happy then sad then there’s excitement, adventure; it was all over the place Oh life as we know it. So, how was your 2020? I know 2020 was not the best year for everyone and I hope that this new year will be a brand-new start for everyone. Let’s all stay safe, wash hands, wear face covering and social distance. Let’s hope that 2021 will be kinder and better. Happy New Year! Till next time.

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